Category: Misc

I’ve enjoyed listening to classical music for most of my life. In high school, I’d tune into my hometown university’s radio station at night to listen to Bach and Beethoven while I did my homework. It made me feel smart. 

I still listen to classical music today when I work. I also listen to it on Sunday mornings when planning my week. 

While I’d listened to classical music since I was young, I didn’t know much about it. Sure, I knew who the great composers were and was familiar with their most famous compositions, but I couldn’t tell what made Bach’s music different from Beethoven’s. Heck, I didn’t even know that calling what I thought was classical music “classical music” was really a misnomer. More on that below.

So, I decided to change that this year. Starting in January, I began reading books on classical music and listening to an audio course on the subject from The Great Courses. It’s been a revelation! While it didn’t make me an expert, when I listen to classical music now, I get more out of it because I know what I’m listening to. It’s made me appreciate what I’m hearing. I’ve also enjoyed learning about the lives of great composers like Bach and Beethoven. Bach was a workhorse, and I admire Beethoven’s Romantic bent (he once wrote that he wanted to “grab fate by the throat” — what an amazing, thumos-filled phrase!).

If you’ve wanted to get into classical music but have been intimidated in knowing where to start, today we begin a two-part series that introduces the genre. The goal is to help kick off your listening journey and appreciation for the music that we call classical.

Which is a nice segue to the first thing I learned in my own listening journey…

Why Classical Music Isn’t Classical Music

If you’re like me before I took this musical deep dive, you likely call all music made with flutes, pianos, and violins, written by dudes who wore powdered wigs and had German last names, “classical music.”

But, yeah, that’s a misnomer. 

Technically, Classical music, with a capital C, is a style of Western music that was composed between approximately 1750 and 1827. Beethoven was a Classical composer, but Bach wasn’t (he was a Baroque composer).

If you want to be more precise, you’ll want to call what you call “classical music,” “Western concert music” or “Western art music.”

With that said, I don’t worry too much about using “classical music” colloquially to describe the spectrum of formal, harmonically complex Western orchestral/instrumental music that people typically put under that umbrella. I’ll be using it in that sense in this series.

Western art music/classical music is typically broken into the following eras:

• Greek, Medieval, and Renaissance Eras (2,000 BCE to 1600)
• The Baroque Era (1600-1750)
• The Classical Era (1750-1825)
• The Romantic Era (1825-1900)
• The Modern Era (1900 – today)

Each era had its unique style and innovations. 

When you imagine “classical music,” you probably imagine music from the Baroque, Classical, and Romantic eras. And for good reason! These periods produced the giants of Western music like Vivaldi, Bach, Handel, Mozart, and Beethoven. When you tune into your local classical music radio station, you’ll likely hear songs composed during these three periods. 

Another thing to point out about classical music is that we typically think of it as “pure music” — music composed for art’s sake rather than for filthy lucre or the masses. You listen to classical music in the background when doing math problems or contemplating Platonic Forms.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but even the greats wanted to get paid and be famous. Many great classical pieces were written to get rich and attract an audience. And some of it was downright vulgar (Beethoven composed a song about his digestive issues that mimicked farting).

The fact that great classical music was composed for money and fame shouldn’t take away from its illustriousness. These composers also worked to create art that glorified God and inspired humans to live with virtue. Great classical music transcends time and geography. 

Listening to it makes you feel more human and more alive. 

The Origins of Classical Music: Ancient Greek, Medieval, and Renaissance Music

To appreciate the most popular styles of classical music, we need to examine the history of Western music before the Baroque Era.

Ancient Greek Music

Music played an integral role in Greek culture. The Greeks believed that music could shape and mold a man’s character and help him understand the cosmos. Music’s power is why Plato thought it was an essential subject for a young man to learn in his youth. 

Epic poems like the Iliad were sung and accompanied by lyres and reed flutes, and Greek tragedies were punctuated with music. The music was designed to increase the emotional impact that the words of the poem or tragedy had on the listener. 

We only have a few remnants of ancient Greek music notation, so it’s hard to say exactly how it sounded. From the papyrus fragments that have been recovered, we know it was chant-like and monophonic — it had a single melody. The only instruments they used were lyres, cymbals, and reed flutes. 

The chanting and simple melody gave Greek music a foreign and frightening vibe. To get a taste of what Greek music likely sounded like, listen to this reconstruction of the Stasimon Chorus from the Greek tragedy Orestes:

Western music maintained this simple, chant-like characteristic for centuries. The ancient Romans adopted Greek music without making innovations to it. It wasn’t until the late Middle Ages that we started to see things change. 

Greek music would influence classical music during the Baroque Era. The opera was created to revive the ancient Greek chorus. 

Medieval Music

As Christianity rose to prominence in the early Middle Ages, clergy used music to worship God and put people in a contemplative and prayerful mood. The plainchant became the most widely composed and performed music during the so-called Dark Ages. You probably know this style of music as Gregorian chant. Like Greek music, it was monophonic. Unlike Greek music, it was unaccompanied by instruments. One of the defining features of medieval music was that it was primarily voice-driven. 

Here’s an example of plainchant music:

Between the years 900 and 1000, musicians developed polyphony, a mixture of two or more melodies heard simultaneously. Organum was the most common type of medieval polyphony. One melody would act as the voice of God — it sounded like traditional plainchant — and the second melody would add flourishes that represented humanity. 

Listen to this organum entitled “Pastra nostrum.” Pay attention to the two different melodies: 

I really enjoy listening to plainchant music when I’m contemplating or meditating. It does a great job of putting you in a reflective mood.

Another musical innovation was introduced in the 1300s: isorhythm. Isorhythm involves repeating a fixed pattern of pitches and a separate, repeated rhythmic pattern within a musical piece. These patterns might not necessarily be of the same length, so their repetitions could go in and out of sync with each other, creating a rich and complex texture. Isorhythm music in the medieval period was mostly voice.

Here’s an example of isorhythm: 

Renaissance Music

Renaissance musicians sought to recreate the ideals of antiquity. Instead of being primarily about worshiping and praying to God, music was seen as a way to evoke emotions in the listener. To accomplish this, Renaissance musicians emphasized vocals that would be heard clearly. They also used the music to reflect the words being sung using a technique called word painting. So, if the lyrics in a song were about someone falling down, the music would try to evoke that image.

New instruments and notation schemes allowed musicians to create more complex and sophisticated music, and the printing press allowed music to spread more quickly and easily. 

The most important musical genre that developed during the Renaissance was the madrigal. The madrigal was secular music based on poems that had the following characteristics:

• Polyphonal: madrigals usually consisted of six to eight voices singing simultaneously. 
• Word painting: the music mirrored the meaning of the words.
• Emotional expression: the music is composed to make you feel different emotions.

Initially, madrigals were primarily vocal compositions, but as the Renaissance progressed, musicians began substituting some of the voices with instruments like lutes and viols. We’re starting to see the shift away from classical music being primarily voice driven to becoming more instrumental. 

Here’s an example of a Renaissance madrigal. Notice the different melodies going on at the same time.

For some reason, I imagine Robin Hood: Men in Tights when I listen to a madrigal. 

Here’s an English madrigal entitled “As Vesta Was from Latmos Hill Descending.” It’s a good example of word painting. Notice when the singers sing the word “descending,” the tune sounds like they’re going down a hill:

Well, there you go. A crash course in 4,000 years of Western musical history in about 750 words. We’re now ready to take a look at the big three eras of concert music that produced timeless pieces that we still listen to and perform today: the Baroque, the Classical, and the Romantic.

We’ll turn to them, as well as the Modern Era, in our next piece.

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Sources

The Vintage Guide to Classical Music: An Indispensable Guide for Understanding and Enjoying Classical Music by Jan Swafford. Very good introductory book to classical music. Swafford, himself a composer, does a good job showing how the lives of famous composers shaped the music they produced. 

How to Listen to and Understand Great Music by Robert Greenberg. This is an audio course from the Great Courses. I highly recommend it. The lecturer, Robert Greenberg (who is also a composer), is incredibly engaging and made learning about classical music fun. He sounds like the comedian Lewis Black. The best part is that he includes samples of the music that he’s talking about. 

“Your voice is the most potent magic in existence.” ~Michael Bassey Johnson

In a noisy, crowded world, in a culture that promotes service to others and putting others’ needs before our own, how do we find the courage to share our own voice?

I’ll admit, I’m still navigating this journey. There are times when a writer can write from a place of knowing. A place where they feel like they have something figured out and want to share it with the world. This is not one of those times.

This is a sharing of information from a place where I am still figuring it out. What I do know is that this is an important topic, and I don’t want to shy away from it just because I don’t have it all figured out.

Despite the guilt, selfishness, and fear of disharmony speaking out may cause, the fact is that getting our needs met is fundamental to our well-being, and we can’t get them met without using our voice.

The Quiet One

“It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent.” ~Madeleine K. Albright

Growing up, I was often the quiet one, content to let others speak for me. My mom likes to tell a story of when I was little and my brother would act as my voice, asking for what I (supposedly) wanted or needed, which more often than not was a cookie or some sort of sweet. I’m not sure if I did actually want the cookie or if he did (it was probably both), but nevertheless, he would be my voice.

As I moved into my teen years, I recall that expressing my desires was sometimes met with skepticism and criticism. My dreams of playing softball were at times dismissed, reinforcing the notion that my aspirations were inconsequential.

While people were well-intentioned and coming from a place of care for my future, my teenage brain heard that what I wanted didn’t matter and that I should question my wants and needs (especially when, years later, my softball dreams ended up fizzling out).

These experiences instilled a belief that questioning my own desires was necessary, and self-expression came with the risk of rejection. It’s a mindset I’m still working to overcome. 

Why Speaking Up Is Essential

“Self-actualization is realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences. It is a desire to become everything one is capable of becoming.” ~Abraham Maslow

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, physiological and safety needs come first, followed by psychological needs. This includes intimate relationships, friendships, and esteem needs (esteem for oneself and the desire for reputation or respect from others).

As we get these needs met, we keep moving up the pyramid toward what is known as self-actualization, or becoming who we are meant to become. However, one of the big stumbling blocks in our relationships and in getting our esteem needs met is our hesitancy to use our voice to express what we truly need or want.

We hold back. We justify all the reasons why we should not speak up. We feel guilty or selfish. We want to maintain harmony. We don’t think we’re deserving of it. Or we expect others to know what we need and for them to just give it to us. This can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and unhappiness.

Most of us feel comfortable expressing our needs when it comes to our physical health—I need food, sleep, a walk outside. However, expressing our emotional and spiritual needs feels vulnerable. What if the person in front of us says no, laughs, or dismisses us in any other way?

The struggle and complexity of this is real, and it goes deep. But, on the other hand, how else can you make your needs and wants known? How else can you truly show up as your most authentic self?

As the author Edith Layton said, “No one else in the wide world, since the dawn of time, has ever seen the world as you do, or can explain it as you can. This is what you have to offer that no one else can.”

How To Find Your Voice

“Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind—even if your voice shakes.” ~Maggie Kuhn

Maslow outlined several behaviors that lead to self-actualization. Two of these behaviors include listening to your own feelings in evaluating experiences instead of the voice of tradition, authority, or the majority; and being prepared to be unpopular if your views do not coincide with those of the majority.

Taking this into account, I have outlined four steps below that I feel are important in finding our voice.

Step 1: Get clear on what you want and need.

You can do this through meditation, contemplation, journaling, and pausing each day to ask yourself: What do I need right now—physically, mentally, and/or emotionally? Check in with yourself without judging yourself, knowing that whatever you need is valid. This will help get you in touch with your needs and access that wisdom on a regular basis. 

Step 2: Reflect on where in your life you can start asking for what you need.

This might mean asking for assistance when getting the kids ready for school, asking for more focus time at work, or asking a friend for help. Think of one small thing and start asking for it on a regular basis.

Step 3: Question what holds you back from asking for what you need.

Reflect on childhood or adult experiences where you didn’t think your voice was heard or acknowledged, and how that impacts your voice now. I know feeling ignored is a huge trigger for me, but I’m starting to learn how triggers point to those places within us that still need healing. Take that information and use it to grow.

Step 4: Practice.

Sometimes people will comply with our requests, but sometimes they won’t. Sometimes people will agree with our opinions, and sometimes they won’t. Understand that people don’t have to give you anything and learn how to be okay with that. Ask for what you need, but don’t expect anything. Create a self-love practice that you can fall back on so that, no matter what, you can support yourself.

And if someone regularly deprioritizes and disregards your needs, consider whether it’s in your best interest to maintain a relationship with them. Although no one has to give you anything, people who truly care will want to step up when they can. 

Let Your Truth Be Heard

“Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs.” ~Stephen Covey

In a world where the volume of voices can drown out our own, finding the courage to speak our truth is a revolutionary act. Each of us holds within us a unique perspective, a story waiting to be told. Embracing our voice is not just an act of self-expression; it’s a declaration of our worthiness, our authenticity, and our right to be heard.

As you navigate your own journey toward self-expression, remember that your voice matters. Your thoughts, your feelings, your desires—they are valid and deserving of acknowledgment. So dare to speak up, even when your voice shakes. Dare to share your truth, for it is in the sharing that we find connection, understanding, and growth.

Let your truth be heard. Let your voice resonate with the world. For in doing so, you not only honor your own journey but also inspire others to find the courage to do the same.

About Brooke Boser

Brooke Boser is a certified life & wellness coach who guides individuals to embrace authenticity and pursue their best life. She writes about authentic living, loving ourselves, and finding our higher purpose. You can follow Brooke on Substack or sign up for her newsletter at thecoachb.substack.com. You can also follow her on Instagram or LinkedIn.

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Imagine you’re in a typical Monday morning meeting, sipping your third cup of coffee, when your boss casually asks, “So, what did everyone do this weekend?”

Before you know it, you blurt out, “I onboarded 2 new clients for my fitness coaching business!” and suddenly, all eyes are on you—especially your boss’s. Oops.

In today’s gig-fueled economy, side hustles are more popular than ever. They’re a fantastic way to pad your wallet, pursue passions, or just get out from under the 9-to-5 grind for a few hours each week.

But this brings us to a modern workplace quandary: should you tell your boss about your side gig?

It’s a delicate dance between transparency and maintaining your professional image, and getting it right can feel as tricky as explaining TikTok to your grandparents.

Why You Might Want to Tell Your Boss

Diving into whether to share your side gig with your boss can feel like walking a tightrope. Let’s unpack the reasons why opening up might just be a step worth taking.

Transparency First

Yulia Saf was a full-time project manager when she first started her side hustle, a tourism blog called Miss Tourist. “Transparency was pivotal in maintaining professional relationships at my day job while I was developing my own venture,” Saf shares. “In many cases, an employer could immensely benefit from the diversified skill set an employee acquires balancing multiple roles.”

Remember, trust is a two-way street. Being upfront about your side hustle can build trust between you and your employer. It shows that you are honest and considerate of your workplace obligations – plus it can also prevent any misunderstandings about where your loyalties lie, especially if your side hustle activities ever impact your work schedule or performance. 

Seeking Support

You might be surprised to find that your boss could be your biggest cheerleader. “I think if you have a good culture, bosses can help influence and inspire your side hustles to grow and flourish” says Brittany Betts, a marketing manager at FloridaPanhandle.com who does freelance photography on the side. 

Disclosing your side hustle opens the door to potential support, whether it’s flexible hours to accommodate your other commitments or advice based on their own experiences. This conversation could lead to valuable mentorship and growth opportunities. “It shouldn’t have to be a secret, but also it can be completely up to you whether or not you choose to divulge that information” Betts adds.

Related: How to Stand Out at Work (According to 10 CEOs)

Legal and Ethical Considerations

Depending on your contract or the industry you’re in, you may be legally obligated to inform your employer about any external business activities.

This is often true in fields that handle sensitive information or have strict non-compete clauses.

Being open from the start can help you navigate these waters without jeopardizing your job or reputation. 

Reasons to Keep it Under Wraps

While openness has its perks, sometimes the spotlight can attract more drama than applause. Let’s explore why you might want to keep your side hustle a secret.

Conflict of Interest? Better Safe Than Sorry

If your after-hours project aligns too closely with the interests of your employer, it could raise eyebrows or even breach company policy.

Obviously, this introduces an ethical gray area, but if you know that disclosing your side hustle will cause more harm than good — and you cannot afford to lose your day job just yet — staying discreet can help you avoid any unintended professional clashes or questions about your loyalty.

If you do choose this route, it’s best to have a game plan in place for what to do if word gets out…before it happens. 

Just make sure that you are not breaking any laws by not disclosing. 

Related: What to Do When You Hate Your Job and Want to Quit

Focus on the Day Job

“My boss doesn’t know, and I don’t want him to know,” one anonymous side hustler told us. 

Employers value commitment, and showing that your primary focus remains on your main role is key to maintaining trust and job security.

And once the seed gets planted in your boss’s head that you might have obligations elsewhere, it’s hard to un-plant that seed – even if you are clearly maintaining your day job as your number one priority. This is one of the top reasons why it might be best to keep your side hustle to yourself.

Keeping the Peace at Work

Discussing your side hustle might unintentionally lead to workplace tension or envy.

By keeping these activities to yourself, you ensure that office dynamics remain undisturbed and that colleagues continue to view you through the lens of your professional accomplishments. This approach helps maintain a neutral and supportive work environment.

Related: How to Quit Your Job: 10 Tips for Leaving on Good Terms

How to Decide

When it comes to telling your boss about your side hustle, the decision isn’t always black and white. It requires a careful balance of personal judgment and professional awareness. Let’s walk through some key considerations that can help you make the right choice.

Check Your Contract

Before making any decisions, it’s essential to review your employment contract and any related policies. Look for specific clauses that might restrict or require disclosure of secondary employment. Understanding these details will help you gauge whether it’s even an option to keep your side hustle under wraps. Again, don’t violate your contract. That’s easy grounds for dismissal or even legal action.

Evaluate Your Boss’s Temperament

Knowing your boss’s attitudes towards entrepreneurship and side projects can be a critical factor in your decision. Consider their past reactions to similar situations and their overall management style. Are they supportive of personal development and entrepreneurial efforts, or do they prefer a strict focus on work-related activities? 

Consider Your Company’s Culture

The general culture of your workplace can also influence your decision. Is there a spirit of innovation and self-improvement, or does the company maintain a more traditional view on employment? Understanding this can help you predict how news of your side hustle might be received. 

How to Approach the Conversation

Deciding to share your side hustle with your boss is one thing, but discussing it effectively is another. Here’s how to approach this tricky conversation with tact and confidence.

Plan Your Pitch

If you choose to disclose your side hustle, think about how you can present it in a positive light. Emphasize how the skills you’re developing can benefit your primary job, perhaps by enhancing your creativity, time management, or technical skills. Prepare to explain clearly how you’ll ensure that your side hustle won’t interfere with your job responsibilities.

Timing is Everything

Choosing the right moment to discuss your side hustle can significantly affect the outcome of the conversation. Opt for a time when your boss is less stressed and more open to discussion—perhaps after a successful project completion or during a routine one-on-one meeting. 

Prepare for Reactions

Be ready for any type of response from your boss, whether it’s support, indifference, or concern. Plan your responses to possible questions or objections. Demonstrating that you have thought through potential impacts on your work shows responsibility and foresight, which will likely be appreciated by your employer.

Sharing Your Side Hustle — Yay or Nay?

Deciding whether to tell your boss about your side hustle is a personal decision that requires weighing various professional and personal factors.

Whether you choose transparency or discretion, the most important aspect is to ensure that your side hustle enhances rather than hinders your career growth.

Now, we’d love to hear from you! Have you ever shared your side hustle with your boss, or do you prefer to keep your entrepreneurial adventures on the down-low? Drop your stories or tips in the comments below. Who knows? Your experience might just be the guiding light someone else needs to make their decision.

Related: 

Are you looking for ways to get paid to walk?

Getting paid to walk is a side hustle with the benefits of getting daily exercise and even getting paid for it. There are tons of ways to get paid to walk including getting paid for steps, losing weight, and even picking up trash.

I have personally been paid to walk, and it’s great!

How To Get Paid To Walk

Below are 19 ways to get paid to walk.

Recommended reading: 19 Ways To Get Paid To Workout

1. CashWalk

CashWalk is a free app that pays you to earn money just for running or walking outside or on a treadmill. You earn coins and can exchange them for gift cards to places like Amazon, Walmart, Apple, Starbucks, and more.

This pedometer app is designed to motivate you to achieve fitness goals and help build healthy exercise habits.

You won’t get rich with CashWalk, but it’s an easy way to make money by doing what you already do, which is walking.

You can sign up for CashWalk by clicking here. Also, you can get a free 100 points by using the referral code ESPU5.

2. Sweatcoin

Sweatcoin is a free app that helps motivate you to walk by rewarding your daily steps. This pedometer app only counts outdoor steps right from your phone (such as your iPhone or Android device), so if you’re a treadmill walker, those steps will not count in the app.

Once you accumulate enough coins, you can redeem them for products or donate to charity. The products that can be redeemed change regularly. You may see things such as Amazon credits, electronics, and other popular products. If you’re feeling generous, you can donate your earnings to charities like Save The Children, The African Wildlife Foundation, or Cancer Research.

3. Walk dogs

Rover is an app that connects you with pet owners who need help with pet sitting, dog walking, and drop-in visits. If you’re an animal lover, this is a great side hustle to try.

I was a Rover dog walker for several pet owners and it’s still one of my favorite side hustles to date. The app works on both Android and iOS devices.

How much money you earn on the Rover app varies on how many pets you’re walking, your experience, and what you set your rates at. Some pet sitters make $40,000 a year, while the top dog walkers in the field earn $100,000+. You can expect to earn between $15 and $25 per hour on Rover, with that rate being more depending on how many dogs you’re walking at one time.

Finding jobs is relatively easy because there are so many pet parents out there looking for a pet sitter or someone to walk their dog.

Click here to sign up for Rover.

Learn more at 7 Best Dog Walking Apps To Make Extra Money (another popular pet walking app that you can learn about is Wag!).

4. Get paid to pick up trash

A great way to help clean the environment, get exercise in, and get paid is by picking up trash. Many businesses want their property and parking lots to be clean so customers are shopping at a clean property.

Getting paid to pick up trash is a small business that you can start entirely on your own. Picking up trash can pay between $30-$50 an hour. There is a ton of trash to pick up in the world. Tools you will need include a broom, dustpan, and grabber tools.

You can learn more at Get Paid $30 – $50 Per Hour To Pick Up Trash.

5. Stepbet 

Stepbet is a popular fitness app that pays you for walking. The app is user-friendly and even lets you connect your fitness tracker (such as your Fitbit, Google Fit, Samsung Health, or Apple Watch). Stepbet is a great way to stay motivated to complete your daily step goal and even get paid for doing this.

This is how the app works:

• You choose a game to set your step goals
• Bet a certain amount of money into the pot to join the game
• If you meet the weekly step goal, you can split the pot with others who also completed their goals and get your bet back plus more.

6. HealthyWage 

HealthyWage is a popular fitness app that pays you to lose weight. To get started, go to HealthyWage and enter how much weight you want to lose, how long you’ll have to complete the weight loss goal, and how much money you want to bet.

Let’s say I wanted to lose 30 pounds in 9 months or less and I bet $60 of my own money. The website shows my prize range would be between $588 and $1,116.

HealthyWage has weekly weigh-ins and support from other people who are also trying to lose weight. The purpose of HealthyWage is to motivate you to lose weight by using a financial incentive, which makes it more motivating to complete your weight loss goal.

7. DietBet

DietBet is a fun and unique app that makes fitness fun and motivating. DietBet works by you choosing a game/challenge to complete. For example, there are current weight loss challenges where you bet $40 and have to lose 10% of your body weight within 6 months to win the shared pot of money.

This is how it works:

• You get started by choosing a challenge and betting money into the pot
• Two days before the challenge begins, you must weigh in which involves taking two photos (one of you standing on the scale with lightweight clothing, and the second photo of the scale and weight)
• The challenge will share how much weight you have to lose to win the pot of money at the end of the challenge.

8. Fit For Bucks 

Fit For Bucks is an app that lets you earn rewards for being active. You can earn points by doing things like walking to the grocery store, hitting the gym, going for a hike, dancing, and more.

Rewards you can redeem include things like coffee, fitness classes, massages, haircuts, wine, and more. Using this app is a fantastic way to stay motivated to get more movement in while also getting rewarded for your hard work.

9. Charity Miles 

Charity Miles is the app for you if you love giving back and being generous. Instead of giving rewards to you, the app lets you give your rewards to a charity of your choice. Every mile you walk earns a credit to be used as a donation to a charity.

One of my favorite charities, Save The Children, is on Charity Miles. So my daily walking that I already do helps me donate more money to my charity of choice.

10. Guided walking tours 

If you’re an extrovert and have knowledge about your local town, you may want to become a walking tour guide. As a guided walking tour operator, you can create your own unique walking route and showcase special landmarks and sites to tourists. You must have in-depth knowledge of the area and provide excellent customer service.

I recommend researching what similar tours are charging to get an idea of what you should charge. You should also think about factors such as the duration of the tour, the experience you have, and any additional services you’ll include when deciding how much the walking tour will cost.

Having a website and/or social presence for your tour company is a great way to get new customers interested in your tours. Network with local hotels, travel websites, and tourism organizations to promote your tours. You may even want to offer a special discount or promotion to attract new customers.

11. Evidation 

Evidation is an app that lets you earn points and rewards for actions like walking, sleeping, and more. Participating in this app helps contribute to research and new health findings that will benefit everyone.

For example, one of the current programs in the Evidation app gives you 300 points for joining a program focused on the flu. The app monitors your activity and can alert you when it sees a change that suggests you may be feeling under the weather.

You can connect all kinds of fitness electronics to the Evidation app, including but not limited to Fitbit, Garmin, Google Fit, and Dexcom.

12. MyWalgreens (Walgreens Balance Rewards)

MyWalgreens is a program run by Walgreens with the purpose of getting people to make healthier decisions.

You can earn points in the program by walking and tracking other fitness activities. You can even earn points for tracking your blood pressure, blood glucose, sleep, and other health markers.

13. Gigwalk

Gigwalk is an app that connects gig workers with quick tasks like going to a store, reviewing product displays, checking prices, availability of products, and conditions. You get to choose which gigs you choose and get to decide your schedule and how often you work.

Here’s how Gigwalk works:

1. First, you download the app on your phone.
2. Then, you look for gigs nearby.
3. Choose a gig that you like.
4. After you finish the job, you get paid.

Money is sent directly to your PayPal account and each gig pays differently. It typically can range anywhere from $3 to over $100 – the time to complete a gig can vary from 5 minutes to a few hours.

14. Runtopia 

Runtopia pays you to get fit by providing a motivational incentive to get moving.

The app has benefits like letting you record activities with GPS, data analysis to improve your performance, connecting with friends, and getting rewarded for various activities.

15. PK Rewards 

PK Rewards is an app that rewards you for tracking all kinds of workouts. Your workouts get converted into coins which can be redeemed for cool prizes from brands like Lululemon, Nike, Amazon, and more. You earn coins based on the effort you put in.

Workouts can include pretty much anything from going to the gym, cycling, dancing, walking, and more. You can set personal goals in the app, compete with friends, and track your progress all within the app. You can even see your effort over time as you use the app.

16. Instacart 

Instacart is a platform that connects customers with Instacart Shoppers who grocery shop and deliver food to customers. This job requires a lot of walking and physical activity and allows you to control your schedule and how often you work.

Signing up to become an Instacart Shopper is straightforward. Download the Instacart Shopper app and apply as a Shopper. Once your application is accepted, you can use the app to find orders, pick an order you like, and go to the store and start grocery shopping for the customer. When you’re done grocery shopping, deliver the groceries to the customer.

You earn money with each delivery and the more you deliver, the more job opportunities you’ll have available. Giving great service to your customers can lead to better tips, so customer service is important.

You can click here to sign up to be an Instacart Shopper.

Learn more at Instacart Shopper Review: How much do Instacart Shoppers earn?

17. DoorDash 

Working for DoorDash is an active gig job that requires you to deliver restaurant meals to customers. This side hustle can require a lot of walking and physical activity depending on how you’re delivering food. You may decide to deliver food by car or by bike.

The benefits of working for DoorDash include choosing the hours you work and deciding where you want to work. The app is user-friendly and allows you to take orders, where to go, and how to get there. Each delivery earns between $2-$10, plus tips.

Please click here to sign up for DoorDash.

18. Distribute flyers 

A side hustle that requires a lot of walking is getting paid to distribute flyers. To find jobs distributing flyers, check online job platforms like Indeed or Craigslist, and also search for jobs in newspapers, and community bulletin boards. Search for jobs using the keywords “flyer distribution”, or “leaflet distribution”.

You can also create a profile on gig platforms like TaskRabbit, Gigwalk, or Thumbtack and post or search for flyer distribution jobs. Make sure to check local events, trade shows, and festivals as these events always need promotional material to be distributed.

Before accepting any jobs, make sure to clarify pay rates and the schedule from the employer. This job is likely going to take a lot of daily steps and physical activity.

19. Mystery shopping

Mystery shopping is a tool companies use to learn ways to improve their customer experience. Mystery shoppers can get jobs in person, online, or on the phone. Jobs are different and may require you to buy something, sit down at a restaurant and eat, or even get your hair done in a salon. If you are required to buy something, make sure to keep your receipts as you will need them to complete your questionnaire.

My sister was a mystery shopper and I got to go with her on one of her gigs. We got to visit a restaurant for free as long as she gave her honest opinion after. Mystery shopping also involves going to stores such as Best Buy, salons, car dealerships, movie theaters, makeup counters, and more.

BestMark is a popular mystery shopping website that connects you with opportunities to earn money while helping companies improve their customer service.

Recommended reading: How To Become A Mystery Shopper

Frequently Asked Questions

Below are answers to common questions about ways to get paid to walk.

Can I get paid for walking? 

There are tons of ways to get paid for walking including via fitness apps like SweatCoin and CashWalk that reward you for meeting daily step goals or participating in walking challenges. Rewards include things like gift cards, discounts, cash, and free stuff.

Besides using fitness apps that reward you for walking, you can also make money walking by working as a gig worker for TaskRabbit and DoorDash. These jobs include tasks like delivering food, running errands, and other jobs that require walking.

One of my favorite ways to make money walking is working as a Rover dog walker. If you love spending time with animals, you should consider becoming a dog walker.

What is the best app that pays you to walk?

Many activity tracker apps pay you to walk and each has its pros and cons. The most popular walking apps include CashWalk, Sweatcoin, Charity Miles, and StepBet. Each of these apps is user-friendly, easy to use, and rewards people for their movement. You get to choose from many rewards including gift cards, fitness gear, or donating your money to the chosen charity of your choice.

Is Sweatcoin real money?

Sweatcoin is not real money, but instead digital currency used in the Sweatcoin app. Sweatcoin users earn Sweatcoins based on how much they walk per day. As you take steps, digital coins are accumulated and can be redeemed for different rewards in the app like products, services, and discounts.

Can you earn money with a Fitbit?

While you can’t earn any rewards or money on the Fitbit app, you can connect your Fitbit to fitness apps that reward you for daily movement. Programs and apps like MyWalgreens, StepBet, and others allow you to easily connect your Fitbit to the app.

Why do apps pay you to walk?

Apps pay users to walk because they make money from advertisements when users use their apps.

19 Ways To Get Paid To Walk – Summary

I hope you enjoyed this article on how to get paid to walk.

There are many ways to make extra money and get free stuff by walking, dancing, cycling, sleeping, and other health-related activities. Take advantage of these free apps and keep your motivation up by earning points and rewards toward free things like gift cards, fitness classes, food, and more.

The walking side hustles above have health benefits and even mental health positives, plus you may be able to earn an income, cash rewards, or even money for charity donations.

Have you ever tried any of these side hustles or walking apps that pay you for steps?

Recommended reading:

“Everyone who gives up a serious childhood dream—of becoming an artist, a doctor, an engineer, an athlete—lives the rest of their life with a sense of loss, with nagging what-ifs.” ~Glenn Kurtz

Childhood dreams are a funny thing, aren’t they?

Our adolescent years are filled with nearly unlimited imagination of what we can achieve growing up. Some people become doctors, presidents, and professional athletes, so why can’t we? It just depends on hard work and occasional lucky breaks to get where you want.

Reality slowly starts to set in as you grow into your teenage and adult years. Maybe those ambitions are a lot tougher than I thought they’d be. Perhaps I was delusional more than anything.

Is it all bad, though? Even if we were unrealistic, our dreams and even delusions fed our motivations and made life more fun. Dreaming of going to space or playing at Yankee Stadium is integral to our creativity, so it’s essential not to regret everything.

What I do regret are the things that were more in my control.

When you’re a kid, seeing married couples in real life and on the silver screen is natural. As we enter our teenage years, we think dating and marriage will be easy as a natural part of life. It may come easily to some, but it’s become as complicated as quantum physics to me.

Getting two people on the same page about love and relationships is an uphill battle, to say the least. Even if you get married, the odds of divorce are relatively high. About 44% of American marriages end in divorce, and past relationships have opened my eyes as to why this happens.

Not every couple can be like Pam and Jim from The Office or Monica and Chandler from Friends. As I’ve learned, putting your love in somebody else’s hands is a tall task. More often than not, you’ll find yourself heartbroken.

My first real relationship was smooth for a few months until the mask started to slip. Bottling up feelings and avoiding communication create a recipe for disaster. The next go-round would be better after I learned my lesson, right?

If only I weren’t so naive.

The next serious relationship wouldn’t come until a couple of years later. While it went better than the first time, the person I tried to love was far too hot and cold. I didn’t have time for someone personifying a Katy Perry song.

The third time could have been the charm, but I ran into yet another situation of poor communication. After a while, I started to wonder if I was the problem. What responsibility did I bear in my failed relationships?

The childhood version of me thought love was supposed to be easy, but it’s far from a linear process. You must be ready to deal with the ups and downs to sustain a long-term relationship with someone.

I’ve learned a little more about life and myself with each failed relationship. Additionally, I compare how I view relationships now and how I saw them as a teenager.

In high school, I was desperate for love and attention. I had never had a long-lasting relationship until college, so I longed for that feeling.

So, what’s changed? The difference between now and high school is I have learned to love myself.

You can’t love another person until you love yourself, which has been a hard pill to swallow. However, I am better off with this mantra because now I’m more confident and perfectly fine being alone.

Now, over a decade has passed since that first relationship, and I’ve had plenty more experience. Some good, some bad, and some painful to even revisit. Still, I’ve yet to find “the one” that the younger me dreamed was out there.

Will that relationship ever come? I’ll survive either way because I’ve prepared myself with love and care. While it may sound selfish, I’ve realized I am the most important person in my life—nobody can take that away from me.

I love myself by eating a mostly healthy diet, focusing on my fitness, and surrounding myself with supportive family and friends. What more could I reasonably ask for?

Another childhood delusion I’ve dealt with in adulthood is my dream of wealth. Just like our experience with relationships, we see people with extravagant lifestyles in real life and in media. Even if we didn’t get that in childhood, we aspire to work hard and live like rich people someday.

Why can’t I be the one on House Hunters looking at million-dollar homes? In my younger years, I envisioned yearly trips to France, Japan, Disney World, and everywhere in between.

It’s another case where reality hits you in the face as you age. You can dream of wealth, but it’ll stay in your subconscious. You’ll need to win Powerball a few times to be Bill Gates-rich.

Money is nice because it gives you more freedom to do things and accomplish your goals. However, I’ve realized it’s not everything. Money doesn’t make me happy—I can take responsibility for that.

To be clear, I wouldn’t mind winning the lottery or hitting the jackpot at the casino occasionally. However, there’s so much more to my life than an impressive bank statement.

I have a career with short and long-term goals I want to accomplish. My professional growth could and hopefully will lead to more money, but dollar signs aren’t my primary concern.

I’ve learned that money comes and goes in life, but your happiness shouln’t depend on it. I make a living doing something I genuinely enjoy, and as long as I can pay the bills doing so, that’s enough for me. I embrace my working life and relish sharing my thoughts with others.

You know what makes me happy? Instead of aspiring for more money, I take pride in being smart with the money I have while enjoying life and enjoying experiences with my friends.

Who needs a multimillion-dollar mansion with spiral staircases and gold spoons? Having a smaller home with people who care about you is invaluable.

Another fixation I had in childhood was my aspiration to be a professional athlete.

I knew football and baseball weren’t for me at an early age. I didn’t need a scout to tell me that after watching my games, but basketball was different for me.

I got my first hoop in fourth grade, which helped me fall in love with the game. Basketball was a sport I could play by myself and train to be just like the pros. 

Growing up, I thought I could be the next Dirk Nowitzki or Kevin Garnett. Their ability to score from inside and outside the paint inspired me to work on my game in the driveway.

However, reality quickly set in when I got to middle school. A lot of kids were much taller, faster, and stronger than I was then. The intimidation overwhelmed me and prevented me from trying to make the team.

I don’t regret not trying because life took me in different directions once I got to high school. Juggling basketball would not have been wise for my academic priorities back then. Plus, my fitness made me nowhere near ready to run up and down the court for two hours.

Regardless, I quickly threw cold water on any hopes of playing professional basketball because the odds of making it are so low. Even if I’d somehow been the star of my high school team, I would’ve had to get a spot on a college team or international league, too. That’s not an easy task.

Then, if you’re lucky enough to play college basketball, you can forget about going pro unless you have other-worldly talent. Research shows only 2% of college athletes make the pros, and I didn’t want to try out for my middle school team.

Nowadays, I get my basketball fill by playing in a local YMCA league with some friends. We take the game seriously, but we play for the love of the sport—not because we think we deserve spots on NBA rosters.

Basketball is one of the hobbies I use to keep myself going, and I’ll admit, I’ve legitimately gotten good. Do I still pretend I’m going one-on-one with professional players? Yes, but I’m now well aware of reality.

Speaking of hobbies, let’s talk about music. Many of us dreamed of winning American Idol when we were young and thought we had a chance.

Your voice may sound incredible when singing in the shower, but how do you sound on a microphone in front of thousands watching?

As a kid, I thought I could be a legitimate music artist. Learning to play instruments in high school certainly fueled the dream, though at times I let my imagination run ahead of me.

I used recording software in high school to produce a song I had written. It was far from something you’d see at a professional label, but I tried to make it work. When I played it back, I was proud of what I’d created.

Ultimately, what started as a hobby never became a career, but I’m okay with that. I enjoy what I do and am satisfied by creating for the fun of it.

I daydreamed of Radio City Music Hall, Madison Square Garden and Shea Stadium concerts. For now, I’ll entertain the imaginary audience in my shower and the small crowds on karaoke night.

As a child, you think the world is your oyster. While you control many aspects, your imagination runs wild with how far you believe life will take you.

I dreamed of hitting buzzer-beating shots and falling in love with the first person I found. However, it’s not that easy.

The good thing is we can get as much out of life if we find things we truly enjoy. I love my job, hobbies, family, and friends, and that’s good enough for me.

The adult version of me has realistic goals, both short and long-term. I get my happiness by caring for myself and doing what I need to find satisfaction in life.

While playing professional basketball would’ve been nice, my only regret is not learning to love myself earlier. Now, I protect my peace and live a happier life.

About Jack Shaw

Jack Shaw has dedicated much of his adult life to writing and speaking on health, both mental and physical. For the past five years he has written extensively on how to navigate relationships, recognize self-worth, and stay healthy. His writings on fitness and life advice can be seen on Modded, where he works as a senior writer and editor.

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As parents, we all experience moments when our kids just won’t go with the program – brushing their teeth, dressing for school, cleaning up their toys, going to bed (and staying there). We ask nicely, and they ignore us. Then we ask not so nicely, and they dig their heals in. Before long we’re frustration turns to exasperation, and we either get angry or throw up our hands in surrender. At a certain age, our kids are developmentally programmed to resist us no matter how much kindness and respect we show them. So, what’s a parent to do? Sometimes we wish we could just wave a magic wand. Well, the wands are on back-order, but Janet shares some magical recommendations that will make these interaction so much easier to navigate, win or lose.

Transcript of “The Magic That Makes Kids Want to Cooperate”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Interestingly, lately my inbox seems to be flooded with questions about toothbrushing. So much so that I was even thinking about doing a podcast all about toothbrushing, helping kids to brush their teeth. But I kept thinking about it and it’s just not an interesting enough topic to me. I mean, it’s not interesting at all to me, to be honest. It’s this mundane part of my day, and I imagine also for kids, too. And probably—I mean, I could be wrong—but even dentists probably don’t find it a super-intriguing topic.

But then I received a question and a comment on Facebook on my post, This May Be Why You’re Yelling. The comment was not about toothbrushing, but it reminded me how all of these cooperative activities, these tasks that we need our kids to do, we want our kids to do, how they’re all related, and that there is a magical approach for helping our kids to do them.

This magic isn’t, unfortunately, a magic wand that we can just wave. And unfortunately it also isn’t saying some magic words or playing magical games, like what is sometimes offered on Instagram and TikTok for “getting” kids to do these things. This magic also isn’t about giving a child a certain period of attention, playing with a child, filling their cup. Even that, unfortunately, isn’t a formula for a child to be reliably willing to brush their teeth, help around the house, try new foods, clean up their toys. Yes, those do help to build intimacy and connection.

But the magic that works is when our relationship or connection is through and through. It’s through the happy times, it’s through the special times, it’s through the tough and disappointing times, it’s through when we’re setting limits, it’s through when our child is upset, when they’re having a tantrum. It’s staying on our child’s side, as I often say, partnering with them and, ideally, not being at odds with them with anything throughout the day. I know, this sounds probably superhuman, but I’m going to get to how we can do this.

When we do find ourselves at odds, we take responsibility for that. Because at least until kids are adult-age, it’s on us to be the more mature ones, to essentially be in charge of setting the tone for our two-person relationship. And when changes in our dynamic with our child need to be made, it almost always needs to come from us. Now, that’s good news and bad news, depending on how we look at it. It’s good news because it means we have the power to make changes at any time. We can do that, and our children will adapt readily. It’s bad news because we can’t count on our child to treat us a certain way, to be kinder to us when we’re asking for or demanding that they do something, just because they should respect us and do what’s right. If we aren’t setting the tone by modeling respect and honesty and kindness and forgiveness and helpfulness and taking responsibility for our behavior, we can’t expect our child to be the one to do those things.

The magic here, unfortunately, isn’t a magic bullet for gaining cooperation, but there is something that’s much clearer and simpler to understand and more effective and comprehensive than these bite-sized scripts and strategies that we hear about. Comprehensive in that it infuses everything, it works in all areas of our day with our child, with all kinds of behaviors. And it feels good, because it’s genuine. It’s not a strategy. And the positive effects it has are lasting and real. It’s relating to our child as—an imperfect, less mature than we are, much less mature—person. What a concept, right? Who we know intimately and we understand, or at least aim to, and we unconditionally adore.

That doesn’t mean we’re perfect. It’s this overall feeling that we have. Not every second of every day will we like the way our child’s behaving, what they’re doing, that we’re not annoyed with them. We are going to be. But we know that there’s something to understand there when we are. That there’s something in our expectation of them in that moment or something that, through their behavior, they’re sharing with us. Awkwardly, as it is with children a lot of the time. So we’re coming to that place eventually where we understand why they’re acting as they are. This is an overall job. It’s a relationship job. I know that probably sounded unclear and confusing. I’m sorry about that.

Now I’m going to explain via this exchange I had on social media with this parent who was responding to something I posted, a piece that I wrote a few years ago, This May Be Why You’re Yelling. This parent wrote:

I know I’m yelling because when I’ve asked five times, being calm, and nothing happened, I’m running out of patience. Sometimes it seems like when I talk nicely, nobody can hear me. I can’t be the only one, am I?

And I wrote back:

Can you give an example? I have a policy: never repeat yourself.

And then I link to a popular podcast of mine, Repeating Yourself Won’t Help (What to Do Instead).

This parent wrote back:

So I just read this article and I get what it says. [She read the transcript.] So here’s the latest example: Right now where I live, it’s Saturday morning, almost 8:00 AM. If my son’s behavior is induced by stress or tiredness, then he must be permanently worn out. My son, four-and-a-half years old, has a clock by his bed that indicates with a sleeping/playing bunny when he is allowed to get out of his room. He’s had it for more than a year now.

I had set this clock on 9:00 AM yesterday. I told him yesterday while putting him to bed, “Remember, you stay in your room until bunny is awake. You don’t come into our room. You let daddy sleep.” And he agreed. His dad is in an exhausting situation right now and needs all the sleep he can get.

Today at seven, our son came into our bedroom and started asking his dad a question about a new toy he got. I got up real quick, escorted him back to his room (right next to ours, and the wall is very thin, you can hear everything), and showed him his clock, whispering, “What did we agree on yesterday? You stay in your room, you are silent, you don’t wake us up.” I was upset, I admit. Plus he can’t for the life of him not talk. He talks all day long, from wake to sleep. He can’t keep his thoughts in his head.

And I don’t know how to follow your advice here in helping him to do what I ask him to do. There’s no lock on his door and he might need to go to the bathroom anyway, and I hate the thought of locking him in. And I can’t reasonably shut his mouth with duct tape to make him stop talking. Any thoughts?

And she put this distressed face emoji. And some other people commented before I was able to get back to her. Somebody said:

Lock dad in? Maybe after several times where he finds the bedroom door locked, he will just assume it’s not worth getting up to try it again. At first, maybe, with you on the outside but not really accessible to him—in the bathroom, for example—and go out if he becomes frustrated and help him work through it. But please, anybody correct me if you don’t think it’s appropriate.

That was all the comment somebody made back. And the original commenter said:

There aren’t locks anywhere on our doors. And the whole thing is about not waking daddy up, so we need silence. Rattling on the door doesn’t do the trick. I tried several times on other occasions to give my son a timeout in his room with the door closed, to no avail. He opens the door immediately and refuses to keep it shut. If I hold the handle from the outside, he turns total havoc, including screaming and door-kicking. And the whole point of the timeout—allowing us both to calm down by getting ourselves together before discussing the issue—is ruined because I can’t calm down either when I have to hold his door shut and listen to his screaming. So I’m stuck here.

And then a different commenter wrote to her:

What time is he going to bed? Does he normally wake up at 9:00 AM or was this a weekend thing? My son does, but I know our routine is a bit abnormal. If I were you, I would get up and go out with him so that dad can get some extra sleep.

And she wrote back:

He sleeps a good night and doesn’t lack sleep. I don’t ask him to stay in bed, much less to stay asleep. Just to stay quietly in his room. Most weekends he does just that. But this morning was particularly frustrating because I insisted on it yesterday evening and he didn’t follow through.

So then I finally commented that I had some ideas for her and it was very long, though, and I realized that this might be a good topic for a podcast. So I was going to share them here, and that’s what I’m doing now.

What I wanted to say to her is that this is one of those situations where I believe in letting go for the win, the win being next time. Because we can’t control when our child wakes up and asking them to stay in their room and wait for a clock to tell them it’s time to leave is not easy for them. And that is always going to be a voluntary activity on their part, right? It’s not something we can force if we don’t want to lock doors, and most of us don’t. And with voluntary activities, it’s always going to be about the positive connection that they feel with us. Both in general and around that particular activity, around that ask that we have of them. We make it harder for our child, and therefore for ourselves, when we make a big deal out of it not working. We get upset or mad, or we try to force them to do it, etc.

So what this parent might do instead is go into this expecting it to be an imperfect process and maybe problem-solving with her child ahead of time. “Hmm, I know sometimes it’s hard to stay in bed and to wait for that clock. What could help? Would you like me to leave some fruit or a snack bar there for you? Some special books or puzzles here by the bed?” And whether or not there’s an answer that we could both of us together figure out, I wouldn’t expect my child to be able to stick with the plan, because young children are impulsive. And the more emotion we have around something, the more intensity we have around it, the harder it is for them to not be impulsive. Because they’re absorbing that and it’s uncomfortable for them. It’s like the more we want them to do something and they feel that coming from us, the more it ruffles their feathers and the harder it is for them to do. You would think it would be the opposite, right? But he has the best chance possible of cooperating in this manner if we approach it with this kind of connection and empathy.

And then, if it doesn’t work, if he does come in or he makes some noise anyway, let it go for the win. For the win next time, and for the bigger picture of more goodwill and cooperation all around. That’s what I mean about this not being a magic wand or a quick fix, but it is magical when we commit to being on this less mature, more impulsive person’s side and requesting things from that team relationship, that very open, honest, teamwork relationship. So when it doesn’t work, we might say, “Oops.” And then while we’re ushering him out of the room, I might say, “It was hard for you to wait this time. I know, it can be so hard. Daddy will answer your question when he wakes up, of course. What would you like to do in the meantime? Let’s figure something out. You can go back to your room or play quietly here in the family room,” or whatever. Safety, connection. This is how we will get what we want. We didn’t that time, but it’s too late. So let’s give ourselves a better chance of getting it the next time and the next time and the next time, in all the other requests that we have of our child during the day.

Now, how does this look in regard to toothbrushing, or helping us with housework, encouraging kids to try new foods, help them to get dressed, or to be quiet while the baby’s going to sleep, etc. etc. etc.? Here’s some points:

1. Expect that there might be resistance and that it might not work at all. Our expectations matter because they create certain feelings in us. When we’re putting an expectation out there that might not work, naturally, we’re going to get disappointed. And whether or not that’s a reasonable expectation, I don’t know. But it turns out it’s not reasonable for this child, at this time, at this age, in this situation.

I know that for me, we didn’t have those special clocks when my kids were little and I never once thought I had any control over when they got up and came in. I remember there was one point where I had tried to encourage my older child to stay in her room a little longer, and I did put a special snack there for her, because we explored it and one of the things she wanted was something to eat. So that did help for a little while. But mostly what helped was her feeling the safety in our connection and that she wanted to try to be helpful when she could, as much as she could. I wasn’t doing anything that might unwittingly put her into a zone of being at odds with me.

Our expectations are what can give us this light attitude and help us not set ourselves up for anger and disappointment that will end up hurting our chances the next time. Let’s use the example of hoping our child would try a new food. That light attitude, I’m not expecting they’re going to try it. Why would they? They don’t want to eat something strange that they might not like, right? So I just offer it, Oh, here’s something that you haven’t tried before. It’s quite an interesting taste. Let me know what you think. Do you want to try it? Instead of, “Here, can you please try this now?” And we don’t have to say all those words about it being an interesting taste or anything, just that idea of Would you like to try this? Instead of that kind of automatic demand mode that we get into as parents. Not even a demand, but that sort of request mode that we get into with young children where we’re telling them to do this and telling them to do that. And they don’t like it and they feel like there’s that distance between us.

This is true for all of these cooperative activities that we want our kids to do. Our expectation matters. So that’s number one: Expect that there might be resistance and that it might not work at all.

2. Request from a place of authenticity and openness, maybe even vulnerability. Let’s say, the example of helping with housework. Okay, I’m going to be honest here: I did not do this thing that I hear so much being written about now, the importance of kids doing chores from the time that they’re little. I didn’t put a big importance on that. Maybe because I remember as a child that my sisters and I would get all excited about, Oh, now you’re going to do this chore and I’m going to do that chore and we’ll make a little chart and we’ll cross it off! And we wanted to do these things and got very into it for about two days or maybe a week, and then we didn’t want to do it anymore. My mother—who certainly, like all of us, was an imperfect parent—she let it go. She wasn’t one to put herself in the position of nagging at us to do things that she sensed were voluntary. Using her power that way, in a way that’s often not very fruitful for us. And she just wasn’t that kind of person.

And actually, I’m not either. I don’t like, I mean, the least amount of limits I can give… I’m actually very strict with limits around certain things, but I don’t want to be telling other people what to do all day long. That’s not where I want to put my energy. And when it’s something like this, that there has to be a certain intrinsic enjoyment of for young children for them to want to do it consistently, I trust that.

At the same time, all the way through from the time they were little, whenever I needed my kids’ help or really wanted my kids’ help for something, they never said no. Maybe I’m just lucky that way, but I really believe it’s because of the way that I asked. Which wasn’t a demand or a nag. It was, “Oh, I could really use some help here. Would you mind?” Or, “Could you give me a hand?” And because this wasn’t a dynamic where we had distance between each other, they always did. They knew I wasn’t using that “ask” card all day long. And in the rare case that they didn’t, and I honestly don’t remember this happening very often at all, but on the rare case they didn’t, there was a reason. They were unhappy about something that actually they needed to talk to me about. And at some point I would figure that out and I said, “What’s up with you? It seems like you’re not feeling that good, or you’re mad at me. Is there something we can talk about?”

So yes, I would offer opportunities for young children to help in ways that they want to. And doing chores, it’s great for their confidence, right? To know that they can do these things and contribute to the household. But I wouldn’t hold them to that in a way that became another limit that I had to try to set every day or another coaxing I had to try to do. And although I didn’t probably use this on a daily basis, I bet it would work if you did. I bet you could say every day, “Oh, and today I actually need a little help. Could you help me, my love, clean up this stuff?” Or offer a very reasonable, logical consequence that’s just honest. “I don’t want to take out more stuff until we put this away. So can you please help me put this away if you want to take that thing out?”

But I didn’t expect that they were going to have tidy rooms or that the play area was going to be clean. And in fact, I liked them to have projects that were left out so that they could revisit them the next day. But I know that’s me, and not everybody feels that way. All I know is that this works and that my kids, whenever they go to somebody else’s house, they’re always the first ones to help. They are well-mannered kids who are cooperative and helpful. So that’s two: Request from a place of authenticity and openness, maybe even vulnerability.

3. Lean in to empathy and connection. Meaning, I understand all the reasons why you wouldn’t want to do this right now. Not that I have to get into them with you and make a whole list, but I’m coming from that place of getting it. Brushing teeth, it’s tedious, right? It’s this thing we have to do to clean our teeth, but please, let’s find a way we can do this so we can get it done and there’ll be time to do these other things. What can I do to make it easier? And again, I’m not talking about saying these exact words, but it’s that approach. Leaning in with empathy and connection. Connection, meaning, I’m wanting to help as much as possible for this to happen, and we’re making plans together. “How about you do this part and I’ll finish the rest?” Or, “Here, maybe you want to try one bite of this carrot and I’ll eat the rest.” Or again, going back to the comment on Facebook, “What can we do to help daddy get this time that he needs? He’s so worn out. I’d love any ideas that you have.” This is an issue we have going on in our family, and what can we do? Or, “What can we do? I know it’s so hard to not be exuberant right next to where the baby’s sleeping.”

So that’s three: Lean in to empathy and connection.

4. Don’t come at this with intensity or be pushy or try to force or insist on these voluntary activities. (This is the only don’t on the list!) Remember, these are in the category of voluntary activities. We need the lightest touch. When we try to force or even bribe or threaten or punish in these situations that we have no control over our child doing, we and our child both tend to lose. Because we end up disappointed and maybe angry, and they end up with this feeling of distance between us, and maybe shame, maybe guilt. They failed. And for us as adults, maybe that feeling of failing makes us do better the next time. For children, it doesn’t tend to. It depletes their self-confidence. It tends to make them doubt themselves.

And interestingly, I think that might be the main point that got in the way this time with this parent on Facebook. Because she said something interesting, not back to me, but to another commenter. She said back to this commenter, “He sleeps a good night and doesn’t lack sleep. I don’t ask him to stay in bed, much less to stay asleep. Just to stay quietly in his room. Most weekends he does just that. But this morning was particularly frustrating because I insisted on it yesterday evening and he didn’t follow through.” And she also talks about times when she tried timeout with him in his room.

Let’s just take the fact that she insisted on it and the vibe her son got from her. That bit of intensity, it goes into a child’s system, and it’s almost like that ends up churning up the exact response that we don’t want and they don’t really want. Which is, Now I just have this impulse to get up and do this because it was so insisted on! So I know that sounds totally unreasonable, which young children often are, and maybe doesn’t make sense to anybody out there, but the toddler in me gets how that was a setup for failure for me, that obviously my parent didn’t intend that way. That my parent became so insistent instead of using that light touch, what I said was number two, request from a place of authenticity and openness, maybe even vulnerability. “Here’s something we need to do for dad, and how can we do this?” instead of, “This is really important and we’ve got to do this because daddy’s so tired.” Where I’m not really including my child, they’re not feeling the comfort of that connection.

I have the inkling that that insistence, along with the past experiences of the timeout in his room where she said she was holding the handle from the outside and “he turns total havoc, including screaming and door-kicking. And the whole point of the timeout—allowing us both to calm down by getting ourselves together before discussing the issue—is ruined because I can’t calm down either when I have to hold his door shut and listen to his screaming.” And right there is the common misconception about timeout. It’s sold to us as this way that is going to help children calm down and be more reasonable. Because maybe that’s what it does for us when we take a break, maybe for us it calms us down. But when we’re directing a child that they have to do this, what they’re feeling is, I’m being told to do this. I’m being punished. It’s not their choice, I want to calm down, and therefore they don’t calm down. In this case, he was screaming, but sometimes children will seem very quiet and they’re screaming on the inside. The studies show that they’re still dysregulated. They’re not calming down. In fact, they’re getting more upset because of the distance and the emotions they feel from the parent. So this parent really encapsulated right there why timeout doesn’t work, why punishments don’t help us. Definitely not in the bigger picture, but even in the short term, it didn’t help her to get what she wanted, which was for him to follow this direction.

So four: Don’t come at this with intensity or be pushy, trying to force or insist on these voluntary activities.

5. If it doesn’t work or they turn us down if we’re requesting something, let go for the win. And that’s what I meant by this parent saying, “Uh-oh, that didn’t work. Let’s try again next time, and maybe we’ll make a plan.” And it helped that I didn’t have that expectation in the first place that it was going to work. Makes it so much easier to let go. And when we let go, our child gets all that comfort and safety from us that makes them desire, and also be capable of, cooperating the next time. They want to do that for us, because we’ve shown them that we understand them, that they’re not always going to be able to do it, and we don’t hold grudges. And yeah, sure, we’re disappointed maybe, but turning against our child right there—which none of us mean to do, but it can easily happen—is not going to be the answer. It’s not going to help.

So that’s five: If it doesn’t work or they turn us down, let go for the win. For the win next time and the next time and the next time. Without snarky comments, rise above, believing in the goodness of your child and the strength of your love for each other. From those beliefs, all the best things will come.

I hope some of this helps. And for much more detail and a very deep dive into all of this stuff, to really be able to internalize what it feels like to have strong boundaries from this relational perspective, please check out my No Bad Kids Master Course at nobadkidscourse.com, and consider if that might be for you. Also, all of the resources on my website, free for you to read, and the podcast, there’s 325 now, something like that. Every topic under the sun, all together. You’ll get this perspective, if it sounds good to you. It’s certainly saved me.

Thanks so much for listening. We can do this.